Tuesday, February 14, 2012

lost and found


lost:
These family pictures taken by my sister Leanna and her hubby Ernesto captured the true happiness I was feeling all of December.  At this point, our family was growing and little Charlie would have a sibling around August 15th.  I was so so so so so so so so HAPPY to be pregnant again.  We told our families and best friends about our news and Christmas time was pure bliss with the good news of a baby coming.

New Years day I started spotting.  I wasn't worried until the next day, when I started bleeding.
A trip to the ER and 3 more visits to my obgyn, the unsettling feeling I had was true... I was having a miscarriage.  
A miscarriage.

It was just a few weeks before I called my new obgyn office to schedule my first prenatal, tell my insurance that I was in fact pregnant, and also telling family and friends our exciting news.
Now I had to undo it all.

found:
That first week of January I had a lot of time to think.  Think about what I had, think about what was happening to me, and think about how I was going to handle it. 
I still went to church, accepted a second calling, went on dates with my hubby, watched my son every day, cooked and cleaned, started my FINAL semester of college, attended mommy playgroups, built friendships, helped with a baptism and more.  These little things helped me get through this sad time.

I still had to live my life, the same way I was before but with more meaning.
That is my best advice for someone going through a loss.  Stay strong and live your life.

Whenever I get sad about the loss, I tip-toe into little Charlies bedroom and lie on the floor next to his bed.  I just close my eyes and listen to him breathe in and out.  Even though I lost this baby, I have another baby that is living and he is so special.  The blessings I have right now are so special to me and I need to remember that.  I have a knowledge and testimony that God lives and loves me.  He is aware of me and my family, He is aware of my situation and He has not forgotten me.

11 comments:

Kyle and Lindsey Carson said...

Carolyn, thank you for this post. I think it is something that a lot of people need to hear. Although I have never had a miscarriage, I know how instantly in love you are with the baby once you become pregnant. Love and prayers to you, my friend. So glad you have your adorable little Charlie to help you feel happy again.

Anna Peterson said...

Carolyn, you are such an amazing, strong woman. I admire your perspective. My heart is just breaking reading this! Love you so much and I hope healing continues to come.

llcall said...

This post was really poignant for me since I had a miscarriage a few years ago. I am so glad that you have little Charlie to look at and listen to -- kids are such a great reminder of all the goodness and love in our lives! I admire your strength and perspective so much. Sending love and prayers your way!

Lindsey said...

I am so sorry to hear that Carolyn! I agree with you, after I had my miscarriage a year ago I felt like the best thing for me was to keep moving and to keep living. Even though we have a new baby now there is still a little place in my heart for that baby I lost. I admire your strength and faith!

The Sheffer Home said...

Carolyn, I am so sorry for you having to go through this. You are so strong! Charlie is adorable and we miss having you guys here. I want to give you the biggest hug right now!!!! ~hugs~ I really admire you. You are a great example to me of faith. Love ya Carolyn!! (Amber)

Lacey Voris said...

Carolyn,
I am so sorry to hear this but I hope you are doing well and that you will try again. I am glad you have two great men in your life. Always remember that. We love and miss you guys. We think of you often.

mommacitabonita said...

My Lovie,
You have been and will be such an inspiration to many. Sissy I love you and your little family. Surely the Lord will send another sweet spirit to your home. Love your forever!!!Momma

Jordan and Kaitlin Ellingson said...

Carolyn,
First off, you are absolutely gorgeous! I love, LOVE your family pictures. Wish we lived closer to you guys! Thanks for your wonderful example and thoughts. You never stop amazing me in your optimism and happiness. Love you lots!

Gammy Moira said...

My dear Carolyn,
Thank you for sharing these special, tender, feelings of yours. I know how difficult it is to share what is deep within your heart and soul, especially when you have and are going through a trying loss.
You are so right about "to keep going"...."to keep living".....that is what we all must do...when life becomes challenging.
You are a wonderful young mother and wife and daughter and sister and all who have come to know you are grateful for your kind, loving, sweet spirit!

david and christina said...

your family photos are gorgeous
and thank you for your beautiful perspective on what you found after your loss.

Kjell Crowe said...

So sorry to hear of your loss. You are definitely a very strong woman, Carolyn, and I know that you can get through anything and come out stronger than ever.

I can't believe how BIG little Charlie is. And i LOVE his hair. Can't wait to let Ryu's hair grow long too.

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